Family Dinner Rules That Help Children Build Better Manners and Connections

I looked around the long table where my five kids were scarfing mac and cheese and nuggets in disarray, some half dressed in uniforms about to head out to sports practices. I’d managed to keep some standards, like sitting down to dinner with as many people in our large family as were physically present when it was ready, but others were dissolving as fast as you could demand to be thrown the ketchup from the other end of the table.

I sat back, watching the chaos, and realized it was time for a little throwback etiquette or, as my Canadian father would say, preparing to “dine with the queen” should she ever stop by for dinner. (She didn’t, if you were wondering.)

I asked the experts what these rules should include, since, “May I please be excused?” would just sound unnatural in my own house at least, between the “bruhs” and the sibling bickering. Here’s what they recommended, though what really works for your family likely differs from mine and others, and it’s worth having a sit-down meeting to establish these rules together, especially for a little more buy-in all around.

We’ve heard plenty of times to keep tech out of our kids’ rooms, setting a standard as they hit teenhood so there isn’t midnight texting and gaming going on. But the most popular tip amongst numerous experts I interviewed was about keeping the table a tech-free space. Of course, any busy parent coordinating carpools and finishing those last few texts as the workday wraps up might know that it simply might be even harder for parents to follow. But, setting the example matters.

“Gathering around a table is much more about nurturing relationships with the people you are dining with than anything else. Phones or tablets at the table distract from conversation and connection,” says Mariah Humbert, certified etiquette expert and author, in New York City. “If you are dining at a restaurant, it can also be extremely rude to the people at surrounding tables. I always like to add that although I generally advise against it, I also advise not judging if you see a child at a restaurant using a form of technology, as they may have a special need that we do not know about.”

“Children know when we are listening and when we are only half-listening,” adds Kristen Miller, director of education at Celebree School, a nationwide early childhood education provider in Baltimore. “Dinner may be one of the only times all day when a family is sitting in the same place, so I would protect that time.” She says this is when ordinary stories can help us know our kids better, if we hear what’s beneath them.

Try this: Put a large bowl in a different location in the kitchen, and everyone can throw their device in on the way to the table, with parents leading the way. Instead, turn on calm dinner music or a favorite family playlist in the background quietly.

This is the hardest for my family, and also the hill I want to die on when it comes to table manners. To me, eating while a parent (or both) is still cooking means parents sit down and kids are ready to get back up. But it’s also a must if you want to be a home where the invisible labor of parenting is recognized.

“Practicing this at home teaches gratitude for the person or people who prepared the meal, consideration for others, and patience,” Humbert says. “They can put this into practice when dining at a friend’s home or at a restaurant as well.” There’s also a nice little opportunity to thank the cook as they sit if everyone’s waiting for them, then transition into eating time.

“Dinner is often a smaller-scale example of how we practice our communication,” Davies says. “In this way, when kids understand that they will have time at dinner to express themselves and not be interrupted, kids can learn to organize their thoughts and become confident with how they want to share them. Waiting for the other person to finish speaking also allows children to develop patience, which is an important skill that goes on well past the dinner table.”

Try this: At my house, we play “high, low,” also sometimes called “good thing, bad thing” so the younger kids get it. We go around the table and each say the high and low of the day, and it’s a longtime tradition that ensures everyone is heard.

I sometimes wonder what it must be like to be the quiet kid in a large family, or the youngest kid. Multiple experts recommended making room for everyone to talk and be heard. This might be the only part of the day where siblings hear something one another is going through, or hear something from their parents that isn’t an instruction to them.

“Children keep coming to us when they trust that we will listen,” Miller says. “The dinner table is also where they learn the back-and-forth of conversation: how to tell a story, wait their turn, ask a question, and show interest in someone else.”

“Dinner is often a smaller-scale example of how we practice our communication,” Davies says. “In this way, when kids understand that they will have time at dinner to express themselves and not be interrupted, kids can learn to organize their thoughts and become confident with how they want to share them. Waiting for the other person to finish speaking also allows children to develop patience, which is an important skill that goes on well past the dinner table.”

Try this: At my house, we play “high, low,” also sometimes called “good thing, bad thing” so the younger kids get it. We go around the table and each say the high and low of the day, and it’s a longtime tradition that ensures everyone is heard.

“This is also a great way to demonstrate consideration for others as that is the foundation of good manners,” Humbert says. “In our more casual lives, eating family-style or sharing is common, which is another reason this rule is important to bring back to the family dinner table.”

Similarly, you can teach kids not to use an item someone has asked to have passed to them while it’s being passed down the table, and let the other person use it first.

At our house, helping someone else serve themselves is also a way of teaching consideration. For example, an older kid will help a toddler serve themselves at a buffet-style dinner before grabbing their own plate.

Try this: Determine what “consideration for others” rules will work best for your family’s style and cadence, whether it’s serving another kid first, or offering to scoop food for someone and serving them before heaping some onto their plate. This also works well with teaching kids to ask if someone wants the last dinner roll (or to split it!) before taking the last of something, or offering to carry a sibling’s dishes to the sink when the meal is done.

Potty talk. Comments on bodies or food choices. Calling out another’s food choice as gross. These are all common issues at the table that we should look to eliminate.

“Don’t ‘yuck’ on someone else’s ‘yum’” should be a rule,” Miller says. “Children do not have to like every food on the table, and I would never want dinner to turn into a nightly battle over taking one more bite. But they can learn to say, ‘No, thank you,’ without calling the food gross or making a face at someone else’s plate.”

She shares that while this is partially just about manners, it also helps keep children curious about new foods, free from their siblings’ negative commentary. “Keep the pressure low, keep offering different foods, and let curiosity build over time.”

Try this: Instead of “don’t say that!” when a kid says yuck or gross, give them alternative language. One of my pickiest toddlers latched onto the phrase “It’s not for me, thanks,” and saved us a lot of over-the-top commentary.

Overall, experts encourage parents to avoid worrying about perfectionism with rules, and especially not to stress too much about making “perfect” meals. Instead, children will remember the people around the table and the safe place that served as an emotional home base in their childhoods. Spilled milk and all.

Published by Good Housekeeping.